Once Upon a Time in Deadwood (2019) - Once Upon a Time in a Western (2024)

Karin Brauns is Ursula, a woman determined to recover her kidnapped sister and her sister’s servant.

They’ve fallen into the hands of a Deadwood town boss named Swearengen (Michael Pare), who plans to add the oldest of his captives to his stable of whor*s and who plans to have the youngest bear his child.

Well, Ursula has read enough Wild West periodicals to know just who would be up to the task of setting them free.

That would be The Colonel (Robert Bronzi), a former Army officer turned lawman turned gunman who’s predictably reluctant to take on Ms. Ursula’s problems.

Ah, but she has a ploy. She slips him a dose of poison. He’ll die in three days. Her sister has the antidote.

Now he has no choice but to join her on her desperate journey.

And they’ll face long odds. Swearengen has a small army of henchmen ready to do his bidding.

Review:

The early scene in which Ursula slips The Colonel the “poison” is going to have you thinking you’ve settled in for 85 minutes of low-budget crap.

But stick with this film and it’ll turn into a campy delight, even if someone forgot to remove modern picnic tables from the Deadwood set and even if characters whisper to one another from long distances at one point.

Karin Brauns is as fetching as any actress to squeeze into Western duds in some time and turns in a spirited performance as the girl with the poison.

Meanwhile, Robert Bronzi is a dead ringer for Charles Bronson. And the folks behind the film clearly were fans of his performance in Once Upon a Time in the West.

There’s even a bit of a twist at the end of the climatic gun battle and a neat coda to end the film.

Directed by:
Rene Perez

Cast:
Robert Bronzi … The Colonel
Michael Pare … Swearengen
Karin Brauns … Ursula
Lauren Compton … Abigale
Jadzia Perez … Daisy
Chris Matteis … Lemuel
J.D. Angstadt … Robber
Jose Varela Garcia … Villian
Justin Hawkins … Crud

Runtime: 85 min.

Memorable lines:

Ursula, after handing the Colonel a bowl of beans: “I’ll do the talking. You’ll do the eating.”

Morton: “I was hoping I could buy just a few minutes of your time behind those trees over there. I’m in desperate need of a woman’s touch.”
Ursula: “Excuse me! How dare you? I’m not for sale!”
Morton: “Well, I don’t wanna buy ya. I just want to rent ya for a spell.”

Swearengen to Abigale: “I’m givin’ you a choice. You can either ship off to Chinaland and serve their carnal desires, tied to a bed with an opium pipe in your mouth and a line of Chinamen pounding away at your private parts or you can stay here and work (whor*) for me in the pleasant town of Deadwood. It’s your choice. But either way, I’m gonna get my money’s worth of you. ”

Ursula, reciting the heroic feats of the Colonel she’s read in periodicals; “Any truth to those stories? Or are they all lies.”
The Colonel: “It’s all true. Especially the lies.”